Why Am I Crying? By Holly Helms

Do you ever think about your past and how cleverly God used it to bring you to where you are now? This can only be the work of a loving, intentional Father who refines you through life experiences to fully surrender to Him.

Something strange hit me today. I heard the news that the father of my high school boyfriend passed away. It hit me way harder than I thought. Based on the relationship I had with this man 20+ years ago, I didn’t think tears would be my reaction. But here I sat, crying at the loss of a man who truly taught me a lot. My boyfriend was an amazing young man. He was very caring and intentional, even while fighting all the selfishness a teenage boy experiences. He was a really skilled baseball player, and talent ran through his veins. He was constantly trying to improve, and the backbone of his persistence was his father. I respected his dad greatly. He had a strong presence and said what he meant. At times, I thought he was too hard on his wife and children, but as our relationship continued, I saw that this was his push for better in his family. I dated his son for about 5.5 years. I spent all of my high school career and part of my college with this family. I remember when his son and I decided to break up, his father greeted me with tears in his eyes, asking me to reconsider ending our relationship. This was the first time I saw emotions from him, and it wrecked me. I loved his son deeply, but as most college relationships do, we were growing apart and toward other people.

Hearing of his death today reminded me that I learned a lot of grit from this man. There have been times in my life when I’ve needed to have the grace of his wife, and God pointed me to my memories with his family. I saw how his wife loved him and calmed him when he would seem to come in strong on topics. She respected and intended to stand by him with a quiet grace that attempted to point him away from himself and toward the Lord. She complained very little and stood firm with her family, with the complete faith that Christ was working in and with them. Isn’t it crazy how God floods memories back to our lives when we think of certain people who have influenced us? It seems wild to us, but it is all a part of a meticulous Creator’s hand.

Lately, I have been reminded of Jesus’ style of teaching. Jesus had an unmatchable way of teaching as He lived. He noticed what His followers needed, observed His surroundings, then taught with objects or stories that would be applicable to their lives. In Matthew 13, Jesus was speaking, and the crowd grew so large that He got in a boat on the lake to allow His voice to carry on the water. After speaking to the crowd, Jesus was questioned about why He spoke in parables. In verse 11, Jesus answered by saying, “because the secrets of the kingdom of heaven have been given for you to know, but it has not been given to them.”

What do you hear here? Do you hear Jesus dismissing the people? Do you hear a God refusing to teach those who wouldn’t understand what He was teaching? Do you hear a God wanting you to be a part of a “club” before you can understand? I hear the response of a God who recognizes where His disciples are in their relationship with Him versus people hearing Him for the first time. He knows the people may misconstrue His words and wants them to hear truth at their pace, when their hearts are opened to it. He sees us the same. Our God knows us. He longs to show us the truth but longs for our hearts to be opened to it. He knows when we rise and when we sleep. He intends to love us so deeply that He caters the way He teaches to different people in the crowd.

What a gift it is to serve a God who cares so deeply for us that He would give us experiences at our own pace. As a teenager, I saw my boyfriend’s father as dominant and demanding. As a parent, I see him as a man who saw the potential of his son and didn’t want him to miss using his gifts. This comparison feels a lot like a “what I would tell 14-year-old me” scenario. It certainly could be, but I’ll call it a blessing. God is kind enough to stay right beside us as we start to unravel truths He has been whispering to us for years. I’m beyond grateful for my years with this family. It was not wasted, even through the hard lessons. I pray that heaven greeted my high school boyfriend’s father with shouts of praise as his life is still influencing people here on earth.

Guest Contributor: Holly Helms