As soon as I said, “Oh, good grief,” I immediately wondered where on earth that phrase had come from—because in my experience, there was almost nothing good about grief.
I kept telling myself I would be fine as the stress of my life began to pile up. In two short years, I carried some pretty heavy burdens—too heavy for me to bear alone—so I sought the Lord.
Psalm 34:4 (NIV): “I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.”
Why is grief so hard? Maybe if we understood it better, it might not be as difficult to go through.
I first learned about grief years ago. That pain was so intense that I found myself crying uncontrollably at work, and my supervisor referred me to a counselor.
In my first session, the counselor told me I was grieving and encouraged me to read a book on grief. As I read, I discovered I was already in the fifth stage—acceptance.
If I had read the book earlier, maybe I would have handled things differently. Or better yet, if I had sought the Lord sooner, I am confident that I could have made better choices.
What is grief?
The Cambridge Dictionary describes grief as “very great sadness, especially at the death of someone.”
What are the five stages of grief, and what truths and promises can we cling to when we encounter our own grief?
When my dad moved into an assisted living community, I thought he would probably live another five years or more. When he passed away within 90 days of his move, I was shocked. Every day, I kept thinking he was going to call me to bring him something—and he never did.
I found a promise in Psalm 68:19, which reminded me that God bears my burdens daily and that I don’t have to face this alone.
Within ten months of my dad’s passing, we lost our brother. A few months later, I became angry but didn’t understand why. Any little thing would set me off. I remember hearing the words, “Don’t be mad, but I need to tell you something.” Guess what? That made me mad! Why would someone start by saying, “Don’t be mad”? Were they expecting me to be?
It’s okay to be angry—it’s just unhealthy to stay there. In Psalm 109, David is angry because he has enemies who are slandering him and even want him dead. David prayed that God would curse his enemies, but he also asked that God be revealed in how He dealt with them.
Psalm 4:4 helped me control my emotions so I wouldn’t lash out in anger. This verse says, “Search your hearts and be silent.” I used it as a prayer:
“Father, help me to recognize the anger in my heart. Help me to bite my tongue instead of lashing out at my loved ones.”
When my brother was diagnosed with cancer in his brain, we prayed desperately for a miracle—and two weeks later, we received one. There was no more evidence of cancer in his brain. The cancer in the rest of his body, however, remained.
I don’t remember if there was a “God, if You give us a miracle, we’ll do this” moment, but it does happen. Have you ever tried bargaining with God? He has dealt with that for thousands of years, so it won’t surprise Him if you have. Hannah bargained with God when she grieved over being unable to bear children.
What God really wanted from me was to depend on Him—seeking His guidance and His will.
My husband is the worrier in our family. He worries enough for both of us. I saw him slipping into depression when our 13-year-old grandson was scheduled for open-heart surgery. This was during the same year we faced my dad’s illness and my brother’s cancer.
His favorite verse—and one that became his lifeline—is Matthew 6:34: “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.”
Depression affects us all in different ways. If you find yourself in a state of depression, look to Philippians 4:6. It may help.
When I finally accepted the reality of my losses, my struggles began to lighten and change. That doesn’t mean I stopped crying or feeling sad. It simply means I began to cherish the memories. I clung to Psalm 28:7 as a reminder of where my strength comes from.
Am I still grieving? Yes. Grief seldom goes away. But as I began the process of healing through my grief, God allowed me to celebrate the time I had with my loved ones who have gone ahead of me.
Romans 15:13: “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”
If you or someone you love is experiencing deep grief, consider seeking professional counseling. It’s not shameful to get help.
Blessings.
Guest Contributor: Annette R. Burrell